34 The Road to Forgiveness
by ccmal
Summary: Almanzo has trouble dealing with Thomas Stark's death. 34th in the series


**The Road to Forgiveness**

LHOP inspired fan fiction by Cheryl C. Malandrinos

Disclaimer: I do not own the Little House on the Prairie television series, book series, or any of the characters.

Laura watched Almanzo pull his suspenders over his shirt. He hadn't greeted her with his usual crooked smile this morning. She felt hurt, especially after the ordeal their family had just been through. She would never forget the sense of relief that overtook her when she saw her husband's face after Thomas Stark was shot dead in their front yard.

Almanzo stomped on his boots and shuffled into the front room. He removed his hat from its peg and plopped it on his head.

"I'll have breakfast ready by the time you get back," Laura told him.

Almanzo nodded with a serious face and headed out to the barn to do his morning chores.

"Is Uncle Manzo alright?" asked Jenny.

"I'm not sure," replied Laura, staring at the closed front door. "I best get breakfast started.

Laura and Jenny sat at the kitchen table waiting for Almanzo to come in from the barn.

"What's taking him so long?" asked Jenny.

Laura shrugged. "I'll go get him. You can start eating if you like."

She expected to find Almanzo hard at work, but instead Laura watched as he raked up the same spot of soiled straw half a dozen times, his eyes glossed over, as if dreaming.

"Our cow will have the cleanest stall in all of Walnut Grove," she said.

Almanzo whipped his head around at the intrusion. "Beth, what are you doin out here?"

"Breakfast has been on the table for ten minutes. It's not like you to miss a meal." Almanzo looked down at his feet. "Is something wrong?"

"Naw, nothins wrong," he lied.

"Then why are you acting so strangely? You never even kissed me good morning."

"I'm sorry sweetheart." He pecked her cheek. "I'll be inside in a minute."

Laura turned and began to walk away. She stopped at the barn door. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Almanzo nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine."

She made her way back to the house, still not convinced that Almanzo had told her the truth.

Days passed and nothing changed. Almanzo seemed preoccupied, distant. He came and went without emotion. His frequent smiles no longer found on his face. Every time Laura asked him about it, he claimed he was fine. But she knew better. She had seen this before.

At first she thought his behavior had something to do with his fear of almost losing his family, but it made no sense then, that he would distance himself from them. There had to be more to it than that.

Laura's mind wandered back to the day of Thomas Stark's funeral. Almanzo hadn't wanted to go but he felt he should be there, he had told her. As they stood by the gravesite listening to Reverend Alden's parting words, Laura glanced back at her husband. He stood head down, eyes closed, deep in thought. When he expressed his condolences to Mrs. Stark and her daughter Elizabeth, he seemed on the brink of tears. He hadn't spoken to Laura or Jenny the rest of the day.

Almanzo couldn't sleep either. Every night Laura heard him get up at least three times and pace the floor of the front room. It disturbed her. What bothered him so much that he couldn't share it with her?

Jenny arrived home from her day at school. "Hi Aunt Laura."

"Hi Jenny. Can you watch Rose for me? I want to go into town to see Doc Baker."

"Are you sick?"

"No," replied Laura, tying on her bonnet. "I want to talk to him about Almanzo."

"I sure wish Uncle Manzo would be happy again."

"Me too. I won't be long."

Laura knocked and entered the office of Doctor Hiram Baker.

"Well Laura. This is a surprise," said the doctor.

"A pleasant one, I hope."

"Always. Come sit down here. What can I do for you?"

"It's Almanzo."

"He's not feeling sick is he?"

"I don't think so. It's just…well…he hasn't been the same since the Stark incident."

Doc Baker pulled off his spectacles and crossed the arms over each other. Placing them down on his desk, he moved in closer to Laura. "What do you mean?"

"He mopes around the house, barely speaking to anyone. He never smiles or laughs. The other day he gave Mr. Samuelson the wrong bag of seed."

"Have you tried talking to him?"

Laura nodded. "He tells me it's nothing. It's like he's home with us, but not really there. It kind of reminds me of how he acted after his stroke, just not as severe."

"And he's been this way since the night Thomas Stark died?"

"Yes."

Doctor Baker stood up and paced the floor for a moment. He should have talked to Almanzo the other day. He knew the boy didn't seem quite right. "If I had to venture a guess, I would say Almanzo is feeling guilty over killing Stark."

"But that's ridiculous. That man was deranged. He would have killed us if help hadn't come."

"And I think somewhere deep inside Almanzo knows that. But he's never killed a man before; it's not like shooting a deer for food. He took another man's life, and it happened at your house." He sat back down next to her and clasped her hands in his. "The only way for Almanzo to get by this is if he admits what he's feeling."

"But he won't talk to me."

"Maybe he would talk to John or Isaiah. They were with him. And I could give it a try if you like."

"I don't want him to know I came to see you. I'm not sure how he would feel about it."

"I understand. There is one other man he could talk to — Reverend Alden. Almanzo needs to forgive himself for the role he played in Stark's death; at least that's how I think he sees it. And I imagine Reverend Alden would be the best person to help him with that."

Laura hugged him. "Thanks Doc."

"Now you make sure you come by again if things don't work out."

"I will."

The supper dishes were cleaned and Almanzo sat at the kitchen table sipping a cup of coffee, the newspaper in his hand.

"Jenny, would you put Rose to bed for me? I'd like to speak to Almanzo."

"Alright Aunt Laura." Jenny picked up the baby and disappeared into the bedroom.

Laura poured herself a cup of coffee and pulled out the chair next to Almanzo. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure, what's on your mind?"

"I need to know what's bothering you."

"I already told ya, I'm fine."

"Manly, that's not the truth and you know it." Ashamed, Almanzo lowered his head. "I don't like to see you this way. Can't you tell me what's wrong?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"It's about what happened with Mr. Stark, isn't it?" Almanzo didn't answer. "Do you feel guilty over shooting him?"

Almanzo's eyes were moist when he looked up and he had to swallow away the lump in his throat before he could respond. "Aw Beth, I ain't ever shot a man before. It all happened so fast. Stark came out and before I knew it he was lyin on the ground, dead."

Laura rubbed his arm. "You know he would have killed all of us if you hadn't come along." Almanzo shrugged. "He was sick Almanzo. He didn't know what he was doing."

"That's why shootin him was so wrong. He didn't have his wits about him."

"We didn't have the kind of help he needed. He tried to kill his family and he would have killed yours too. I can't understand why you feel sorry for him."

"You didn't know him, Beth. I did. We weren't friends, but I spoke with him whenever he was in town. He always talked of making it big. I thought he had a good head for business. I trusted him."

"We were all fooled Almanzo. But that doesn't change what he did."

"What if your Pa had killed Mrs. Taylor?"

"She meant me no harm; she just wanted her daughter back. Mr. Stark was an angry, troubled person. You couldn't reason with him."

Almanzo remained unconvinced. The life of a pioneer always meant protecting your family from danger, but that danger didn't usually come at the hands of a neighbor. And it was very different waving a gun to intimidate someone and actually shooting him.

Laura reached over and kissed his cheek. "Will you do me a favor?"

"If I can."

"Go talk to Reverend Alden. Maybe he'll be able to help you put this behind you."

"Good idea. I'll ride into town tomorrow afternoon. He should be settin up the church for Sunday mornin service."

"Now, let's try and get some sleep," said Laura, leading him into the bedroom.

"Excuse me, Reverend Alden."

"Oh hello, Almanzo. What are you doing in town today?"

"I…uh..." Almanzo swayed back and forth, fiddling with rim of his Stetson. "I wanted to talk to ya if ya have a minute."

"Of course, why don't you come sit down."

Almanzo walked up the short aisle warily, turning the Stetson in his hands. He felt the nervous sweat on his face. He glanced behind him at the coat room. Maybe he should abandon the whole idea of speaking with the Reverend.

The minister eyed him with curiosity. He waited for Almanzo to sit down on a bench and then sat across from him. The younger man swallowed hard, still afraid to share his thoughts. But Reverend Alden's kind face helped Almanzo open up.

"I'm havin a hard time acceptin what happened at my place, ya know with Tom Stark."

"It was unfortunate how it all ended up. I feel sorry for his poor wife and daughter."

"Me too. I can't help feelin kinda responsible."

"What makes you think you're responsible?"

"I killed him. Mrs. Stark and Elizabeth are alone because of what I did."

"Do you think they would have stayed with him after he shot them?"

"I dunno. Maybe Thomas could have gotten some help and they would have forgiven him."

"What do you think would have happened to Laura, Rose, and Jenny if the four of you hadn't showed up when you did?"

"Laura managed to keep him calm. I hope nothin bad woulda happened."

"But it could have?"

"Sure, he wasn't in his right mind. He probably coulda snapped at any minute."

"So, he could have killed all of them?"

"I guess so."

"Do you feel it was wrong to shoot him?"

Almanzo wandered over to a window. He looked through the glass at the people coming and going from the Mercantile on this busy Saturday afternoon. "The Ten Commandments say, 'Thou shalt not kill.'"

"You do think you did something wrong."

"Yes Sir."

Reverend Alden came to stand next to Almanzo. "Were you trying to protect your family when you shot him?"

"Laura and the kids are all I thought about. It scared me to know I might not see them or hold them again. Aw Reverend Alden, I've never been so scared. The thought of goin through life without them…" Almanzo's voice cracked as emotion took over. He sniffled back the tears he felt brewing inside.

"Earlier, you spoke of forgiveness. I think it's time you forgive yourself for the role you played in Thomas Stark's death. His actions caused what happened. His wife and daughter are alone because of the burning rage inside him. He took that rage out on his family and on yours. You had no choice but to protect Laura and the girls. Don't you think God in his infinite mercy knows that?"

"I hadn't thought of it that way before."

"Do you believe in God guiding people, giving them signs of what He wants them to do?"

"I dunno. I can't say God's ever given me a sign."

"Well, I do believe in them. I've witnessed and heard of these signs too often, not to believe. And if there were any other way for you to handle Tom Stark, God would have shown you. If he could have been helped, such help would have presented itself." Reverend Alden placed a hand on Almanzo's shoulder. "Maybe God knew the only way to heal the anger inside him, was to bring Tom home."

Almanzo found Laura and Jenny playing with Rose on the floor in front of the fireplace. He tossed his hat on the table and sat down in the middle of them.

"I'm sorry about the way I've been actin lately. I just needed time to work some things out."

"We understand," said Laura with a smile.

"Shootin a man is a hard thing to do, especially when he's your neighbor. I guess I got to thinkin his death was my fault. Still wish it had turned out differently, but God knows best."

"I talked to Elizabeth," said Jenny. "She came back to school today. She doesn't blame you and neither does her mother."

"That's good to know."

"Are you hungry?" Laura asked him.

"I could eat a bear."

"I don't have one of those, but I do have some good hot stew."

"Let me go wash up."

Almanzo snuck into the bedroom and poured cool water from the pitcher into the wash basin. He dabbed at his face with the wet cloth. He heard light footsteps on the floor behind him.

"I'm glad you went to see Reverend Alden today," said Laura.

"Me too," he mumbled into the towel.

"He fired first."

"What?"

"Stark, he fired first."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. He told Constance he would make her proud, walked out into the rain, and fired twice before any of you took a shot."

"Thanks Beth. It helps somehow knowin that."

"I hope so," she said, pulling him closer to her. "Because I've sure missed you."

A crooked smile formed on his face. "I've missed you too."


End file.
